Ryan and I are attractive people, but none of our makeup tutorials or workout routines got as much engagement as the pictures of our dog with her puppies. We were still thinking of our niche as Fitness back then, and if I’m being honest, we really didn’t know what we were doing. We definitely didn’t take advantage of the situation the way we should have. We were idiots to rehome the puppies.
By the time I got pregnant we were genuine Lifestyle Nanoinfluencers. Our brand was #upbeat #couplegoals. We’re both naturally positive people, and creative, but if you do it right social media is a full-time job. I’m not going to lie, sometimes we couldn’t think of things to post.
But getting knocked up was a content goldmine. The announcement, the gender reveal (we did cake pops. Betty Crocker didn’t step up to sponsor, but a local bakery did), four “surprise” showers. The prenatal workout videos didn’t get much of a response from anyone other than perverts, but the audience retention rate for our comedy videos about my cravings were decent. Every sonogram brought us new followers. He was a trending fetus on Twitter three weeks running.
The one photo that went truly viral was of Mila, our dog, resting her chin on my baby bump. (You might have seen it – German Shepherd, pink sweater, Mayfair filter.) And when I say viral, I mean across platforms.
In retrospect, it seemed obvious. “Who doesn’t love babies and dogs?” Tyler asked, smiling over my shoulder at the metrics on my phone.
So we pivoted. As soon as we decided on the baby’s name we renamed all our handles Ezra_N_Mila. As soon as this kid is born, we agreed, he and Mila are going to become #friendshipgoals.
And they were, immediately. From the day we brought Ezra home, Mila was obsessed. It was adorable. She licked his little fingers, she stuck her nose in his ears, in the leg of his @Hermes jumpsuit. I have a million pictures of her lying on the floor beside his crib, even though she had a four-hundred-dollar dog bed in the living room. His first smile happened while she was nuzzling his neck. Fortunately, I got it on camera. 384 Shares on Facebook.
There are going to be #haters no matter what you do. I tried to ignore the messages from strangers telling me how to raise my kid (“Y’d u put him 2 sleep on his back?” ”Countdown til that kid is dog food”) and dog (“GET HER A QUALITY DOG BED!!!”). Ryan and I got angry enough to make an “Addressing the Rumors” video. It was not our best work.
We had been hoping that by the time the baby was born Ryan could quit his job, but it didn’t work out that way. I was home with the baby, so I was tasked with the bulk of the social stuff. Between that and the whole lactating thing, I was exhausted. But I swear, the whole time I was posting and filming and responding and reaching out to companies, I kept the baby monitor app open on my phone.
That’s how I was quick enough to get a screenshot when Mila jumped into the baby’s crib to lie beside him. My reaction video did amazing across platforms. The numbers gave me the confidence to finally reach out to Chewy.com for a collab. The Ezra_N_Mila Instagram blew up.
But the first time I saw Mila pick the baby up by the neck of his pajamas and take him out of the crib, I was too surprised to do anything at all.
“Look,” I said to Ryan when he came home from work. The baby was asleep on the dog bed, with Mila curled around him.
“Did you get it?”
“Obviously.”
“Why haven’t you posted?” he asked. He reached down to pick up the baby, then jerked his hand back when Mila growled at him. I was secretly relieved. I had tried to put Ezra back in his bed hours before, so that I could record it if she did it again. She snarled at me, too.
We tried to separate them by feeding her, but Mila didn’t fall for it. She licked Ezra’s face until he woke up and then nudged him until he followed her. He crawled behind her and smiled directly at my phone when they passed. I got the whole thing. It was adorable until he started putting kibble in his mouth, and then when Ryan went to pick him up Mila snapped at him.
I never posted that Tik-Tok.
Ryan had had enough. He stormed over and grabbed Mila by the collar. She twisted and threw herself around while he dragged her through the kitchen and out the door. The second they were outside I went to pick up my crying baby, but he kept trying to dive out of my arms. Eventually I was afraid I was going to drop him, so I put him down on the floor. He sat down and raised his pudgy little face to the ceiling and let out a howl.
A few seconds later Mila came running back in through the dog door. She went straight to Ezra, sniffing him all over to make sure I hadn’t hurt him. My husband limped in a moment later, his arms all cut up and bleeding.
I took Ryan into the bathroom and bandaged him up. He was quiet the whole time. I watched in the mirror as he looked at a drop of blood running down the side of the sink.
“We’re going to have to delete our socials,” he said finally. I had an #authentic reaction. When I paused to inhale he said, “Child Services is going to take him from us.” I cried silently while I finished putting on his bandages. Through the door I could hear Mila and Ezra play-barking at each other in the living room.
That was a few months ago. I deleted every last account and ghosted all my friends. I barely even touch my phone anymore.
I’m trying to stay positive. We finally found a brand of organic dog food that they both like. Rawhide helps with the teething.
Right now my husband and I are passing a pint of Ben & Jerry’s back and forth and watching Ezra crawl past. He has stopped using his knees; Mila taught him to walk on his hands and the balls of his feet.
“How long do dogs live?” Ryan asks.
“About twelve years.” I take another spoonful of Cherry Garcia.
“Mila’s, what, six?”
I nod. He reaches for the ice cream.
So parenthood is not what I’d expected. But I’m trying to make the best of it. The other day, unprompted, my son licked my hand. So, you know, #blessed, I guess.
