Medical Cannibalism – Eat Your Way to Better Health!

Here in 1600s Europe, medical theory is simple: Like cures like. Injury to a particular body part simply requires more of that body part. For example, if something is wrong with your head, eat part of someone’s head. It’s called science, people.

Cannibalizing your way to better health is not only delicious, it’s easy! Read on to find out how to use this state-of-the-art method to cure your medical concerns.

The Right Doctor for your Medical Cannibalism Needs

Modern medicine involves three types of medical practitioner: Physicians, barber-surgeons, and apothecaries.

Physicians went to college and studied the medical basics like astrology and rhetoric.
Barber-surgeons have a mostly amputation-focused practice, and can also cut your hair.
Apothecaries prescribe, produce, and sell medicine.

First, determine which sort of medical care you need. Are you royalty, or perhaps very wealthy? Undoubtedly you have a physician to attend to you. Do you need some toes cut off? A barber is your man. But if you are outside the king’s social circle and would prefer to avoid amputation, you will probably seek the attention of an apothecary.

No doubt you have a local apothecary; if your village is small enough, he might also be your grocer. In any case, he can listen to your symptoms and come up with a solution. Perhaps it will be something innocuous, like ground herbs or oil of earthworm. But if he is well-supplied, he will probably be a fan of medical cannibalism.

TIP: Let’s be honest: You want to eat a mummy. Adding the powdered remains of Egyptian mummies to medicinal tinctures is all the rage among our social betters right now. But remember, like cures like. Any apothecary will tell you, the dried mummy they sell is composed entirely of pharaohs.

Face the hard truth: Are you pharaoh material? Most of us aren’t. So spit out that mummy and find the right cannibal solution for YOU.

When to Consume Blood

If your problem is too much blood, I would suggest you seek out the assistance of your barber and his leeches. But for other blood-related concerns, you might consult with your physician or apothecary.

Externally, powdered blood can be applied to cuts to stop bleeding. Put it in your nostrils to end a nosebleed.

But for other ailments, the old ways are best. Sipping blood has been a remedy for epilepsy since ancient Rome, when sufferers were encouraged to drink the blood of slain gladiators. More recently, no less an authority than Saint Albert the Great advised drinking a healthy person’s blood: “a small quantity…restoreth them that have lost all their strength.” Medicine continues to evolve. We now know that the medicinal human blood we drink must not only be fresh, but hot. Do it right, and it will cure everything from old age to consumption.

TIP: I do not trust the Franciscan Friar who recently (1679) published his recipe for human blood marmalade. Boiling, sieving, and drying blood to a sticky texture, I fear, robs it of its curative power. For my money, nothing beats a hot cup of fresh blood.

When to Consume Skulls

Do you suffer from fevers, depression, or epilepsy? You may need more skull in your diet.

Look, eating a human head is nothing new. We learned this simple truth from Paracelcus over a hundred years ago: any illness above the neck can be relieved by adding a bit of ground skull to your beverage. According to him, the ideal skull would have originally belonged to a man in his prime who had died a violent death.

This concept was modernized by Jonathan Goddard. He called his product Goddard’s Drops and marketed it as a miracle. His recipe included five pounds of the finest Irish skulls, blended with his secret ingredient: the moss growing on top of them.

King Charles II bought the recipe, rebranded it as King’s Drops (New Look, Same Great Taste!), and used them enthusiastically. If it is before 1685 where you are, he drinks the drops every day, mixed with wine or chocolate. If it is after 1685, he’s dead. (Despite his consumption of 40 drops a day at the end.) The drops are still available, if you are royal enough.

When to Consume Fat

Once inside the body (try adding powdered human fat to liquid), fat will relieve bruising and excess bleeding.

But it is more effective when applied topically. Queen Elizabeth famously used to rub it on her skin to treat old smallpox scars. Human fat is widely used in ointments to relieve symptoms of gout, arthritis, and breast cancer. Any apothecary will have buckets of it.

You might find it labeled as “Hangman’s Grease,” since the main source is the bodies of executed prisoners. Fun fact: If you’ve noticed your local executioner living high on the hog, he probably has a lucrative side hustle supplying human remains for medical cannibalism.

Shop smart – buy direct! Your local hangman can sell you fresh human blood and fat at discount prices. Simply attend a public hanging. Remember to bring your own cup!

To Your Health!

It is my hope in writing this guide that medical cannibalism will reward you with many years of health.

An added bonus of eating human remains is the absorption of the dead person’s vitality. Medical professionals believe the spirit remains in the body for a brief time after death. Harvesting these parts immediately retains the vital spirits, which become yours when you consume them. This is why a fresh source is so important. And for God’s sake, shop local!

I leave you with the following thought, from one of history’s greatest men: a scientist, a painter, and, apparently, a cannibal:

“We preserve our life with the death of others. In a dead thing … life remains, which, when it is reunited with the stomachs of the living, regains sensitive and intellectual life.”
Leonardo da Vinci